SCHOOL REFUSAL: Tips & Tricks

School Refusal: When your child won't go to school.

Understanding the issue from your child’s perspective.

The first step is to identify the underlying reason for school refusal in order to fix it.

ANXIETY

Anxiety about a new school, new routine or lack of safety in the classroom can cause students to be apprehensive about leaving the security of their home. Mental health problems like depression could also impact school attendance.

ACADEMICS

Trouble with grades, falling behind, not understanding the material, comparing self to others, and fear of embarrassment are common causes of school refusal.

SOCIAL

Bullying, conflicts with friends, trouble at home, exclusion by peers and social anxiety make it difficult for some students to go to school.

The first step is to identify the underlying reason for school refusal in order to fix it.

Understand the issue from your child’s perspective.

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Helpful language to use with your child:

Validate their feelings

“I can see you’re worried about going to school. I know it’s difficult and scary. Your teacher, counselor and I will help you to feel safe. What do you need from us?”

Be positive

‘You’re showing how brave you are by going to school. You are making so much progress and working so hard. I know it’s not easy."

‘I know this is hard for you, but I think it’s great that you’re giving it a go. I am very proud of your strength and bravery.”

Set clear expectations

Say ‘when’ rather than ‘if’. ‘When you’re at school tomorrow ...’ instead of ‘If you make it to school tomorrow ...’.

“It’s important for you to go to school and it’s easier to keep up with your work. I care about you and want you to use your time wisely. If you stay at home, you won’t be able to use electronics and play games. Let’s ask your teachers for classwork that you can complete at home, I don’t want you to fall behind.”

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Observe: “I have noticethat you appear upset and worried in the

morning and you often ask to stay home.”

Validate: “We all feel upset and worried sometimes and it can feel uncomfortable.”

Redirect: “Going to school is very important. What are some things that we can do to help you to get there?”

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AT HOME:

Skip the lecture Don’t debate and don’t try to persuade. More attention only fuels the fire.

Stay calm. Your frustration, worry and stress can make your child’s anxiety worse. Be patient.

Set a nightly routine. Involve your child in preparing their lunch and clothes the night before to reduce the morning chaos. Make sure they get enough sleep.

Set a morning routine. Wake your child up at the same time each morning. Don’t rush, give them plenty of time to get ready and have a healthy breakfast.

Be predictable and firm. Set a timer and give frequent verbal reminders of when it’s time to go. Staying home is not an option.

Give them something to look forward to. Involve your child in packing a special school lunch or planning a fun outing after school. Talk it up to build excitement.

Praise and Incentivize. Implement a sticker chart or a reward at the end of the day for coming to school. Stay consistent.

Talk them through it. Tell your child what to expect next & narrate the present, “You got ready so fast, that was awesome! Remember, we’re leaving at 8. I have to work and you have to be at school as well. I know it’s going to be a great day for us. I can’t wait to see you, hear all about it, and go on our special adventure.”

Get silly. Play chauffeur, race your child in getting dressed, make up silly cheers and songs. Have fun.

Process the day. Instead of asking, “How was school?” have your child rate their day on a scale from 1-10. Ask “why” & “what would make it a 10?”

Give hope. Help your child identify the positives throughout the day. Ask them what they look forward to tomorrow. Use these positives to motivate and prepare them for the next day.

AT SCHOOL

Team effort

Work closely with counselors and teachers to stay consistent, use the same languageand implement the same rewards and expectations at home & at school.

Avoid long goodbyes

Talk your child through it. “Let’s walk to your classroom now. I’ll give you one last hug, then it’s time to go and have fun. I love you and can’t wait to see you after school. Our afternoon adventure is going to be so awesome, but first we need to go to school & work. Enjoy your special lunch and have fun.”

Safety

Encourage your child to communicate their needs to a trusted adult. Implement coping strategies like breathing or counting to lessen anxiety.