"How are you?": The worst question in the English language.

The first thing you learn in English is the question, "How are you?" and that's when you become programmed to give "Fine, thank you, how are you?" as an automatic response. As you acquire vocabulary, it might morph into "Fine. Everything is fine." (insert fake smile).

Recently, Melania broke the internet as the public speculated if the woman seen smiling for the first time, in forever, was truly the real FLOTUS. Granted, her lack of facial expression could be due to botox, but there are cultural and societal factors that play an additional role.

Couple weeks prior, we heard her friend's secret recording of Melania's private thoughts. Obviously what the public was seeing and what was really going on behind the scenes didn't match up. In Melania's world, everything was not fine. The reality reflected back at us shows us that everything is not fine. Our country is not fine. This is not fine.

Parents are often outraged when they find their sweet angel has turned into a rebellious hellion, apparently over night. They didn't see it coming, even thought it was right there all along. How many times have we heard parents complain that their child never talks to them? If your child gets in the car after school, and you ask, "How was school?", chances are they will say "fine," even though it is not fine. If you want to build communication and foster your relationships, you need to ask the right questions, get past the "how are you" and small talk, be present, and truly listen.

Let's take a closer look at how we communicate. Teachers often complain that kids these days lack effective communication skills. Newsflash! We all do. If you have seen the recent presidential debates, you know what I'm talking about. Teachers and parents expect children to acquire the skills they never explicitly teach, and they, themselves don't posses.

Going back to school in the times of Covid has been the best lesson in empathy. Completing coursework, while juggling a household and two kids, and trying my best to complete a 15 paragraph test, with minimal interruptions, in two hours has been real. I understand student frustrations surrounding grades, the pressure of the house to be quiet, while you have that perfect Instagram worthy study spot that your teacher requested. I also understand the teacher frustrations. How can students be flunking open note tests, not have a quiet space at home, and (gasp) how dare they eat during class?!

I love school, can't live without it. This is my fourth master's degree, and this is just the beginning. I never stop learning & following my passions. I've been in school while pregnant, moving across the country, working full time, and raising two kids. Education is self-care for me. I don't do it for the letters behind my name, nor the grades and glory. I finally have access to something I never had growing up, and there's no way in hell I'm gonna pass that up. My MFT program has been the most rewarding career shift. Not only does it prepare students to be effective future counselors, but it improves our communication skills, something we can all put into daily practice. Throughout the weeks, we have focused on micro skills during the art of conversation. We emphasized body language and basic attending skills, how to truly listen and be in the moment. We moved onto encouraging, reflecting feelings, paraphrasing, summarizing, and confronting. We learned the most effective stems to make our clients heard, worked on additive empathy, and practiced our poker faces.

Let's face it, it's like free therapy, and it works. I have made more friends over Zoom in the past weeks than in any in-person grad course. In part it is the nature of the class, in part it's the teacher, as well as people seeking connections, an in part it's because we have moved past the superficial "How are you?" questions. Each week we have to come up with at least two real life scenarios, and talk it out. It's amazing how the more you talk about something, the more you heal. Healing your mind is like cleaning a house. You have to push past the initial mess you make to see the end result.

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In the perfect world, we'd realize how powerful communication and empathetic listening really is. We wouldn't think SEL is another buzzword that will go away, but instead teach our children and adults how to communicate- and not just talk. Let's face it, we, Americans have earned our reputation abroad, especially now, when we're MAGA. We are labeled as the loud and confident ones in the crowd, although our competence is shaky. We make up for it with our entitlement, no worries. How many times have you seen American tourists demanding that Europeans speak English, complain about slow service, and haggling at the market? Then, we throw a fit, think the world revolves around us, and complain that we're being picked on cause we're tourists. Imagine a "Karen", only abroad. We talk a lot, interrupt even more, but say very little. (Looking at you, Mr. President).

What if instead of another mandatory assignment or PD we focused on mental health, connections, and conversation? Imagine if the culture of a community was so strong that there was unconditional trust, where you can vent about anything, and be free from judgement and drama. Maybe if we stopped bottling it up, saying "It's fine" and fake smiling, we'd start healing and finding the beauty in life. Yeah, the perfect world doesn't exist, or maybe it does?

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Once a upon a time, in my previous life, I was a teacher. One of my favorite 8th grade girls came in just to say "hi". It was lunch time, and I was busy at my desk planning, so my automatic response was "How are you?" I looked up to see her face, and she wasn't fine. It would've been so easy to dismiss her, pretend not to see her, tell her it's my lunch time, not deal with it. It was clear that she needed me. I followed up with, "How are you, really?" And then the tears came...

I don't know if it was the way I asked, or that I even looked up and acknowledged her, but this shy, quiet student opened up to me. She gave me insight into her life, we built a mutual understanding and she knew she could always count on me. I had her back, always.

Constructive communication is the key ingredient to healthy relationships. We think that misbehaviors are a way of communication, but we often forget that the quietest kids that put on the bravest faces are also speaking 1,000 words with their silence. There's a really ugly saying in Polish that loosely translates to "Kids are like fish, they don't have a voice." Let's remember that our children come to us from different backgrounds, and asking "How are you?" will never empower them or give them a voice. We need to dig deeper to forge those connections. Whenever I give my son free choice at night, after his brother has gone to bed, he always chooses tea & talk. He makes us tea, teaches me about science, talks about Minecraft, and his newest engineering inventions. Half the time, I honestly have no idea what he's talking about. I still ask questions and listen. I know that if I don't listen and make those connections now, one day I'll wake up, asking myself where my sweet little angel went. Relationships are built on communication, and both have to nurtured in order to grow. My son will always have a seat at the table. Humans thrive on communication and belonging. Adults in the time of Covid need human interaction even more than ever. We see news reports on the mental health crisis, rates of relapse and overdoses. This is our new reality. We can't be asking the same questions, cause they are no longer working. It's time to move past the "How are yous". It's time to stop thinking that SEL is a buzzword. Instead, we need to be present, empathize, connect, listen without judgement, and accept those whose stories don't align with our journey.

After all, you could be saving someone's life.

Pura Vida.